Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Randomize
