I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
