Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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