He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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