just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
