Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
