I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize