Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
