I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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