he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
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