I wish you could order shots online.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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