please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
