My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
