My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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