I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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