I look better un-naked...
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
