he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
