so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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