and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
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If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
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SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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