So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
