there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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