A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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