before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.