If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
