My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
