my mouth tastes like poor choices
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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