just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
