I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
