I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
