worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
