My room smells like vodka and shame
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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