I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
