It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
