Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
