You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
