pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
