What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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