If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
