Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
be right there i have to get my cape
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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