I puked a lego.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
