Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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