sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
