its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
