I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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