I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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