need another drink. this is the easiest way
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
