She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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