90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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