so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
