Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
