forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
