I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
