I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
