I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
