I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my sisters under your porch take her home
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
