you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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